Thoughts Never Disguise (The Truth Hurts More Than Lies)
by RheatheHadley
Summary: Erik doesn't leave Charles that day on the beach. He wouldn't, he couldn't. So he, along with the rest of the mutants, help Charles heal. It isn't always great, but it's the best they can do. They never stopped to consider that they weren't the only ones keeping an eye on Charles. They will find him, because the alternative is unthinkable, but will the damage already be done?
1. Chapter 1

Pain is something Charles Xavier is well accustomed to. For as long as he can remember, he's been hearing the thoughts of others and feeling their pain. However, he'd never felt pain quite like this before. Metal ripping through bone and brain tissue like a knife slicing through butter, and he'd felt every excruciating second of it. The telepath wondered how he was even still standing. More distantly, Charles wondered if Erik was aware that he was feeling Shaw's murder.

When it was over, his head was pounding and his legs felt weak, but he pushed those thoughts away and locked them up tight. They weren't important right now, Erik was. So Charles and Moira exited what was left of the jet to see Erik lifting Shaw from the remains of the submarine and floating out after him. He was going on about the humans turning against them and he was right, the missiles were being redirected toward the beach. But Charles didn't believe they deserved to die. He tried to convey as much to Erik and he'd almost convinced him before those damn words passed his lips. _"They're just following orders."_ Erik's gaze hardened and he'd let the missiles fly.

It was a stupid thing to say, and he wouldn't have done it had the pounding in the back of his mind not been so loud. But it was done and those men were going to die if he didn't do something. The helmet. If he could get the damned helmet off of Erik, he could fix this. So he went in for a tackle, wrapping his arms around the other man's waist and bringing him to the sand. Erik fought to keep control of the missiles while Charles fought to reach the helmet.

The telepath was failing. His limbs still felt too much like a mixture of gelatin and lead and the pounding in his head kept getting louder every second. On top of that, he couldn't help but think back to the much different kind of rolling around they'd done last night on the sheets of Charles' bed. Erik rose from the sand, ready to drive the missiles home and Charles just laid there for a moment. He felt like he could have lain there forever, but he couldn't do that, not to the people on those ships and most definitely not to Erik. No, he had to keep fighting, for his friend if for nothing else.

With much effort, Charles struggled to push himself from the sand and go to Erik. A constant stream of _fightforhimCharlesErikneedsyoufightforhim_. About halfway off the ground, his mind vaguely registered a loud popping sound, like gunfire, but that couldn't possibly be right. Why would someone on the beach be shooting at one of their own?

For Charles, everything stopped when the bullet hit his back. Again, it was pain. Metal tearing through bone and flesh, but this pain was his own, not someone else's. It felt like it, though. In that moment, Charles felt like he was looking in on someone else's pain like he had been doing his entire life. Never before had he experienced first hand pain this intense. Even as a scream passed his lips, it sounded like it had come from someone else. It wasn't until his body came crashing down on the sand like waves of pain and anguish did he fully accept that he'd been shot.

}!{

Erik felt like that moment was his entire life. Nothing before that instant would register in his mind, just _bullet_ and _flesh_ and _scream_ ; there was no past, just a painful and frightening present. Nothing after that existed either, because Erik couldn't possibly live in the world if Charles wasn't there and he had no notion of where the metal projectile had struck the telepath; the future was unthinkable, so again he was back to the stark and horrific present.

By the time Erik turned around, Charles was lying on his front in the sand with his hand pressed to his lower back and his face twisted in pain. The metal bender rushed to him and pulled the telepath into his lap. He wanted to do nothing more than pull the foreign object from Charles' back, but he knew enough about bullet wounds to know that he had to leave it in, no matter how much he wanted it out. Prying his focus from the metal, he turned it to Charles' face. The pain he saw there was so clear for everyone to see, and that might have been what frightened Erik the most. Charles' was always the first person to hide his true feelings for the benefit of others. He'd seen the telepath hide his pain to keep the children from worrying. But this? Everything he was feeling was right there for all to see.

Brushing some of the sand off Charles' face, he tried to get his attention.

"Charles? Charles, I need you to open your eyes and look at me. Can you do that?" To everyone else his voice sounded steady, but he could hear the difference from his normal tone – the underlying touch that belonged to the edge of panic.

Sluggishly, Charles opened his eyes. They were distant and teary and oh so blue that Erik felt the need to catch his breath.

"Can you hear me Charles?" Erik asked, grey eyes locked on blue.

One of the telepath's hands went to one of Erik's arms and gripped it tightly. The other, he raised to the metal bender's face where it was met with the cold resistance of the helmet. In reality, there's no way it could have been cold, seeing as they were on a Cuban beach in the middle of the day, but to Charles is was the coldest thing in the world. It was the shivering void that kept him from Erik's warm and loving mind. He'd never hated anything more.

His fingers left a smear of crimson on the shiny surface. "Your lips move," he said, "but you're mind is silent."

Charles let his hand drop back to his chest and Erik watched as a tear fell with it. He traced the drop from the corner of his eye until it was lost in the millions of grains of sand beneath them. Not wanting to release Charles, he used one hand to rip the helmet from his head.

All at once, his mind slammed into repeatedly with waves of emotion. It was a barrage of pain and sorrow and panic but also passion and love and _Erik_. Tears flooded his eyes and the air fled is lungs as the sensation overwhelmed him. He was left gasping.

"Charles," he breathed, "I need you to calm down. Calm your mind liebling, please." He hadn't meant to let the endearment slip, but he was glad he did. The turmoil in Charles' mind began to settle a bit at hearing the familiar term.

Erik had forgotten they weren't alone. Moira took a step closer to them and Erik reacted immediately, using his power to grab hold of the chain around her neck. It wasn't enough to do any harm, just enough to keep her in place.

"Stay back," he growled.

"Don't do anything stupid, Erik. We want to help Charles as much as you do. Just let us help." Raven spoke up, hesitantly coming closer to them.

Reluctantly, Erik released his hold on Moira's necklace. She didn't come any closer though. Raven, on the other hand, hurried over to them and knelt down at Charles' side. With a gentle blue touch, she brushed some of his curls off his forehead.

"We're going to get you help, but until that happens, I need you to stay still. Okay Charles?"

He nodded in response, but immediately regretted it. The world swam before him and pain radiated from the middle of his forehead. He slammed his eyes shut in an attempt to settle the turmoil in his stomach. A groan of pain escaped his lips.

Hank came over to join them as well. "What is it Charles?"

"M-my head," he gasped.

"Your head?" Hank looked as confused as Erik felt. The bullet had hit his back, why did his head hurt so much?

Charles lifted his hand to Erik's cheek, this time making contact with his smooth skin. Gently, he pushed some images into Erik's mind. A coin, Shaw's frozen form, Charles' own agonizing scream. He didn't lower his hand, but instead used it to wipe away the few tears escaping down Erik's cheeks.

"I am _so_ sorry," he whispered, "had I known I would have done it quicker."

"I tried telling you, but…" Whatever he was going to say, he let it drop before beginning again. "It's done, just promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"Never put on that helmet again."

Too caught up in their own little moment, Erik didn't notice when one of Shaw's mutants stepped forward. It was the red one, Azazel, Erik thought. He wrapped his power around the closest piece of metal and prepared to strike if necessary.

"I can take you to hospital." He offered. "Ze telepath needs help."

Erik flexed his fingers. "And why should I trust you?"

"Your strength vith ze missiles. I vould not challenge." He said. "If I turned against you, I vould not live. Of zat I have no doubt."

Erik really didn't want to trust Charles' safety with someone who had spent the last few weeks trying to kill them.

Hank spoke up, like he could sense Erik's struggle. "I don't want to trust him either," he said, "but Charles needs to get to a hospital as soon as possible. Teleportation is the fastest way."

Erik hated when Hank made sense. He sighed and turned to Azazel. "Alright, you'll take Charles, Raven, and I first. Then you come back for the others."

Azazel nodded. "Vich hospital?"

"Any hospital in New York," Erik said. He looked down at Charles who was still lying in his lap. "I'm going to have to lift you. I'll try to be gentle, but it's probably going to hurt."

Charles' body tensed, prepared for the pain. "Do it."

Carefully, Erik readjusted Charles so he could lift him better, his face falling slightly with every pained gasp that escaped Charles' lips. With one arm positioned behind his knees and the other looped around his back, Erik stood.

Immediately, Erik knew something was wrong. Charles gripped the front of his flight suit, eyes wide with fear, panic coming off of him in waves.

"What is it Charles?" Erik asked.

"My legs. I-I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs. Erik, I can't feel them!" His breathing was becoming labored as he fought his terror. Erik took a deep breath and tried to push the feeling of calm at the shorter man. Charles' breaths began to even out again.

"Charles, I know you're scared," he said, "but we're taking you to a hospital now. They'll be able to help you."

Charles nodded, but the movement seemed distant. Erik wondered if Charles was experiencing some form of shock. The metal bender turned to Azazel and gave him a nod. Since Erik was holding Charles, the red mutant wrapped one hand around his bicep and held Raven's hand with other. Then, in a cloud of sulfur, they were gone.


	2. Chapter 2

There is quite a difference between drugged sleep and natural sleep. For Charles, that difference is as vast as the stars in the sky. Only in drugged sleep does he really get to sleep. It's like a dark curtain gets placed between him and the rest of the world. It's silent and peaceful and welcome. Natural sleep is quite an adventure for a telepath as powerful as Charles. When awake, he has to build shields and actively try not to hear the thoughts of others, thoughts that so often sound like shouts into the void of his mind. When asleep, those shields, the only real defense he has, begin to slip.

Charles can tell exactly when he transitions from drugged sleep to natural sleep, even if he can't remember where he is or why he was being drugged in the first place. It's silent and warm and fuzzy one second, and in the next he feels he's in an ocean of pain and sorrow and worry and guilt. It laps at him from all sides. He feels like he's on a tiny row boat in the middle of the ocean being battered by a hurricane of horrid emotions. Trying to paddle anywhere is useless and when his row boat capsizes, all he can do is struggle to stay afloat. Drowning feels inevitable. The waves rise up over his head and crash down, pulling him under. He fights to reach the surface, but just before he does, he's hit with more pain and sadness and he's sinking. So many people think being a telepath would be awesome, Sean included, but sometimes, it's just agony.

}!{

Nine days. It had been nine days since Azazel teleported them to a hospital in New York and Charles Xavier had yet to wake up. Erik remained at his bedside the entire time, wanting to protect him from the world but thinking the only person Charles might really need protection from was him. Guilt gnawed away at his insides, but it wasn't enough to make him move from the plastic hospital chair next to the telepath's bed. Raven stayed with him. She got him to eat and always had a cup of crappy hospital coffee for him to drink. Erik felt bad that she had to look after him while also worrying about her brother, but his focus was so narrowed in on Charles that he was truly forgetting about the basic necessities of life like food and sleep.

He didn't miss everything though. Blue ripples would run across her skin when no doctors or nurses were in the room, itching to be in her natural form. Flushed pink cheeks would betray when she had stepped out of the room to get more coffee but had stopped to cry along the way. She was struggling, but weren't they all? Hank was back at the mansion since being blue and furry didn't allow him to be out in public. After the first day, they'd sent Sean and Alex back, too. Everyday Hank called for updates on Charles' condition and everyday Raven had to deliver bad news. According to the scientist, Sean and Alex were having a hard time coping. Sean was nervously snacking on everything in sight and hovering by the phone, waiting for someone to call with good news. Alex was being silent and broody, disappearing for hours at a time to the danger room before coming back smelling like smoke.

Currently, Erik was sitting in his hospital chair, sipping away at his third cup of crappy coffee, watching the nurses check Charles' vitals. They did this every day, multiple times a day. Honestly, they made Erik nervous. Medical instruments and white doctors' coats too often reminded him of his traumatic past. The only reassurance he got was that they carried a lot of metal, so if one of them made a wrong move and hurt Charles somehow, they would be able to get far before he could kill them. Raven had left to call the mansion, leaving Erik to be Charles' protector. Not that Raven said that, that's just how Erik liked to think of himself. While she was gone, Erik made sure to keep a watchful eye.

The nurses did what they came to do and left as quickly as they had come, leaving Erik along with Charles once more. One of his hands was linked with one of Charles' and with the other he gently reached out and caressed the telepath's face. The only peace he got was knowing that the medication kept Charles from feeling any pain and allowed him peaceful sleep.

He slumped back in his chair, his hand still linked with Charles' and pulled a paper clip out of his pocket. He'd swiped it off one of the nurses' charts earlier so he'd have something metal to handle and keep him relaxed. There were a few coins in his pockets, but the thought of using those caused his stomach to churn. He fused the paper clip down into a small ball and began to weave it through his fingers.

The very distinct feel of Raven's bracelet came marching down the hall and he prepared himself for her entry before she ever reached the door. Nothing could have prepared him for how annoyed she looked.

"I can't believe you," she hissed.

"Whatever do you mean?" Erik asked, eyes trained on her as he continued to manipulate the ball effortlessly.

"You, sitting here, only eating when I bring you food, only changing when I bring you clothes. It's ridiculous! How do you think Charles would feel if he knew you'd barely left that chair in nine days?" She asked.

"That's just it, isn't it," he mused. "We can't know what Charles would want because he's unconscious in a hospital bed and it's all my fault."

"Really?" Raven sighed. "That's what this is about?"

"Don't try to lie to me Raven. You know he's only here because of me. If I had just stopped for a moment, stopped to listen for one goddamn second –"

"Well you didn't," Raven interrupted. "And as far as I'm aware, there's no mutation that can turn back the clock so you just have to live with it. And don't try to tell me you don't know what Charles would want. We both know him and he's the most selfless person I've ever met. All he wants is what's best for everyone. And if he woke up right now, and you told him you haven't been taking care of yourself for over a week, he'd be pissed."

Erik couldn't argue with her there. He thought back to his first meeting with Charles, where the selfless idiot had jumped into the freezing waters to keep someone he'd never met from drowning as a direct result of his own stupidity.

"Then what do you suppose I do? I'm not just going to abandon him."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking you to. I'm simply asking that you accompany me to the cafeteria for lunch."

Erik stopped moving the ball, instead letting it rest in his hand. "And if I decline?"

"Well I'm not bringing anymore food up for you, so if you want to eat this is your only option."

Erik placed the ball in his pocket, gave Charles' hand one last squeeze, and stood. "Lead the way, my dear Raven."

}!{

The cafeteria wasn't as bad as Erik had been expecting. There weren't as many people crying as he would have thought, but he was grateful for it. He and Raven bought some sandwiches and fruit before retreating to a table at the back of the room. On reflex, Erik put his back to the wall and counted all the exits to the room. The action didn't escape Raven's notice.

"Erik, would you calm down?" She reprimanded. "We're in a hospital; no one is going to try to kill us."

Erik just sighed. After all, he was kind of an expert on people wanting to kill him. What would she know? In all honesty though, Erik was glad Raven had gotten him out of that room. There was a permanent crick in his back from sitting hunched over next to Charles' bed and part of him was beginning to worry his butt would get stuck in that chair. His pride, however, kept him from thanking her. After all, she'd been trying to get him out of that room since day two. The last thing he needed was her rubbing it in.

}!{

Charles finally clawed his way out of natural sleep, through the unfiltered pain and sadness pressing in on him from all sides. Lifting his heavy eyelids, he was met with the bleary sight of blinding hospital lights. _That explains it_ , he thought. There was a particularly sharp wave of grief that washed over him and he inhaled deeply to try and combat it. _I really hate hospitals_.

He closed his eyes again and began raising his mental walls, focusing first and foremost on his mental defenses. A mentally unprotected telepath in a hospital could only hold up for so long against all the negativity in the air. With practiced ease, he got ahold of his walls and began to lift them, but just as he'd gotten halfway, he came to the horrid realization that they were crumbling, slipping, falling. He tried again, but this time he couldn't even get a decent grasp on them.

Charles was beginning to panic. This had never happened to him before. Even when he'd been horribly hungover, he'd never had any trouble with his metal defenses. After all, they were the first things he had mastered as a child to keep him sane. But now they had failed him and his mind was unshielded. He was battered from as side by pain, grief, death, and sadness. It was agony.

His eyes were open now, but practically unseeing. He didn't even notice the quicken beeping from his heartrate monitor. There was only one thought on his mind – _Erik_.

}!{

Erik paused in eating his apple to take a swig from his water, trying to not let the antsy feeling inside him take over. Yes, Raven had gotten him out of the chair at Charles' bedside, and yes, he was grateful – but this was the longest he'd be separated from Charles in over a week. While he tried continuously to tell himself the adorable telepath would be fine while he was gone, a little voice in the back of his mind whispered that he wouldn't be.

Raven waved a hand in front of his face. "Distracted much? Look, Charles is just upstairs, and if anything were to happen, I'm sure we would be they first people they'd notify."

Before Erik could utter his somewhat-reluctant agreement, a low murmur began to fill the cafeteria. It spread like water, starting from the doors it pooled outwards to where he and Raven sat at the far side of the room. It was difficult to make out what everyone was saying at first, but as it got closer there was no denying it. The one word falling from all of their lips was _Erik_.

Rather than sounding like some kind of chant, it swelled like a cacophony of his name, everyone speaking at once and at their own pace. It was like they were continuing their previous conversations, but every single word came out his name. Once the voices grew loud enough, he and Raven realized there was only one person in the building capable of this.

"Charles," Erik whispered. He glanced over to Raven, he eyes wide and yellow with unease. She looked back over to him, and nodded towards the door. Without hesitation, they both stood from their seats and fled the room, Erik already mapping the quickest course to Charles' room. They had a telepath to get to.

}!{

Charles tried to calm himself down, but it was impossible. With the thoughts and feelings of everyone in the building pressing down on him, the last mind he had control of was his own. He tried searching out Erik's mind specifically, or Raven's even, but all the unfiltered thoughts made everything feel slippery. It was like dropping a bar of soap in the shower and then frantically reaching out to try and catch it, but it just keeps slipping through your fingers.

He worked himself into such a panic that it took him a moment to realize someone was calling out his name.

"Erik?" He asked, hopefully.

"It's me, liebling." The taller man sat in the chair next to his bed and extended his hand hesitantly, waiting for Charles to decide if he'd take it or not. Which was absolutely ridiculous if you asked Charles, because he would never not want to hold Erik's hand.

Erik's hand was rough in his, his skin different from a lifetime of fighting and hunting, but Charles didn't mind. It was comforting to him. The touch did wonders for the chaos in his mind as well. Physical connection was a great tool to focus telepathic energy, so when he held Erik's hand, the gentle clarity of Erik's thoughts moved to the foreground of his mind while all the pain filtered to the back. It was much easier to breathe with Erik's hand in his.

"You had us really worried for a moment there, Charles." The telepath looked over Erik's shoulder to the source of the voice. Raven stood in her perfectly peach disguise, but the bright yellow of her eyes betrayed how shaken she'd really been.

"Worried? Whatever for?" Charles asked. "Did a nurse fetch you?"

Raven frowned and was about to answer him, but Erik shook his head. If Charles' little display down in the cafeteria had been an accident, things were worse than they thought, but now was not the time to tell Charles that. He was already in a difficult position.

Erik felt the necklace Charles' nurse wore coming down the hall towards their room. He gripped the telepath's hand a little tighter.

She swung open the door, Charles' chart already in hand, and smiled. "Oh! It's nice to see you awake."

Charles smiled politely back at her. "It's nice to be awake." Though the tightness around his eyes told Erik he was lying. "However," Charles continued, "what I would really like is to go home as soon as possible."

The nurse smiled sympathetically. "I know dear, but I'm afraid that's going to be a little ways off yet. You still have quite a bit of healing to do," she said, flipping through the chart in her hands.

Charles' fingers tightened around Erik's and his gaze sharpened marginally. "I'm afraid you don't understand. I will be leaving today. Please sign me discharge papers as soon as possible."

Her demeanor changed instantly. She nodded, the bun on the back of her head bouncing with the movement. "Of course, I'll be right back." Then she turned and left the room.

As soon as she was gone, Charles slumped deep into the mattress. "My goodness, that was much more exhausting than I thought it would be."

Erik frowned at him. "You shouldn't have done that. If you need to finish healing, you should force your discharge."

"I'm simply doing what's best for everyone. My telepathy is acting a bit odd, so I find it best to remove myself from a largely populated area. As long as I get the notes on my condition, Hank is perfectly capable of treating me at home. And besides," Charles paused for a moment before his calm façade dropped, "my mental defenses seem to be malfunctioning. Hospitals are rather unfortunate places to have other people's thoughts invading your own, you know."

The metal bender sighed. "I understand, but I still want you to be careful. Do you think you can get the nurse to make a copy of your chart?"

Charles smirked, "My dear Erik, I'm surprised you even have to ask."


End file.
